The Pie Baker took a self imposed sabbatical from blogging last year to concentrate on the more internal issues facing her. There was at no time a shortage of topics on which to pontificate in blog form - it's just that there seemed to be no time to adequately organize and form words into coherent sentences. However, as I take inventory of the past year, I see that there was, indeed, plenty of time...there was just no desire. And that is deeply disturbing to me.
I recently told the campus president of the school where I work, that I write not to make money, but to make happiness - mine. Writing typically brings me joy and I usually feel compelled to write about even the most mundane things that I experience. However, last year robbed me of the ability to experience any real joy. The year began shortly after my father died and I jumped back into the work world with little preparation for what it would be like for me to leave my daughter for the first time in five years and slog away in a cubicle at the whim of sycophants, insecure ball busters and a manager who looked like a wet chicken and acted like a weasel gone to crazy-town. A month after I started working, I began traveling for the job almost every weekend; I had to leave my child when all I wanted to do was spend the time snuggling and laughing with her. That situation produced a highly unpleasant feeling that managed to stick around for the next several months.
As the management changed several times at my job, I felt my personal relationships changed as well. I didn't spend as much time with the friends I love as much as I wanted. The Pie began to mature from a little girl to a young woman and the effects of that transition shook me to my core. There is no special man in my life - and that's because I want it that way - so at least there was no chance for a romance to sour! (Score one for me!) I withdrew into myself, hoping that something would magically appear to make me happy again. Still waiting.
I turned 50 this year. As much as I outwardly took it in stride, I became panic stricken as I crunched the numbers. When The Pie graduates from high school, I will be 60. At a time when most people are planning to retire to a tony condo in Boca, I will be struggling to get college funded. And then, presumably, a few years later, I will have to pay for a wedding! As it is, I live paycheck to three days before paycheck, so some serious trimming of fat must take place.
Speaking of fat...I am. But I am reasonably healthy so I have not made a resolution to go on a diet. I do, however, believe that The Pie and I both could eat healthier foods, so I do plan to insert that into the menu plan, rather than asking her what hamburger place she wants to go to every night.
Last year was filled with such great loss - in society, as well as in my personal life. As I type this, The Pie is listening to the song, "Animal" by Maroon 5. It makes me realize that society is a wild kingdom of various species that just can seem to peacefully coexist. There predators and prey and at any given time, we can be either - it just depends on the environment.
Speaking of animals - my beloved Furry Valentine, my cat that snuggled with me for over 16 years, my Valentino (Tino) passed away this morning. He was the greatest cat EVER and I will miss our time together and our conversations - mine in English and his in Kittyese - that only he and I could understand. I lay on the bathroom floor and petted him, speaking softly into his ear, sharing memories and thanking him for being the best friend a girl could wish for. His passing reminds me to cherish every moment, to take every opportunity to share our love with family and friends and to be the best snuggler possible.
Last year sucked. In 2016, I hope to greet each day armed with the tools at my disposal to make the absolute best of the obstacles and gifts placed in my path. I spent 2015 in a depression that sucked the life out of my life. I was not the mother, friend, employee that I know I can be - that I deserve to be. So I'm shaking the dust off my life and heading full steam ahead with a new map, a new attitude and a new blog!
Happy New Year.
