Stay At Home Bomb

When the Pie was born, I would have given anything to be able to be a stay at home mom. But being single didn’t allow for that, so for the past 3 years, I made the best of it and went off to work every day, knowing that I was providing for our little family. I took every opportunity I could to be with my daughter and enjoy…no, cherish those moments. However, my perspective changed after becoming one of the nation’s unemployed.
I lost my job over 2 months ago and have since spent almost every minute with my daughter. I am able to take her to preschool and pick her up, hearing all the details of her day firsthand. Other than the 2 ½ hours she’s in school 3 days a week, we are together. I love my daughter…more than my next breath…but I don’t understand how full time moms who stay at home don’t lose their ever-loving minds!
There is a limit to how much pretending, coloring, Play-Dough, baby dolls, video games and dress-up one middle aged woman can take! One day last week, I counted how many times in one hour, I had to get up and help the Pie with a computer game or video game, or refill her juice cup, or look at some imagined something: 19. No wonder I am so tired!
In addition, I am constantly thinking about how we’re going to make it financially for one more week. I am receiving unemployment, but it is half of what I was making – which wasn’t’ enough to begin with! It takes a full 3 weeks of unemployment payments just to pay the rent on the house! Then there are the utilities, gas in the car, and other little things that suck up money. The cell phone has been cut off and cable, internet and phone are next to be suspended. I broke down and applied for Food Stamp benefits, but it’s not much. Life is not rosy here, people!
I accompanied the Pie on a class field trip yesterday and was unable to provide $8 for her to participate in all the activities. I felt like a failure – a complete loser - because I had failed to give my daughter what she needed. I had made a promise to myself early on that I would never tell the Pie, “We don’t have the money.” But I had to break that promise yesterday after her begging and pleading wore me down. Today, we will visit the CoinStar machine to cash in some change that has accumulated around the house.
I know that what is important is the time I spend with my daughter. But is it quality time when I am not really there…not present in the moment when she may learn something new or display some wonderful new talent? Part of being a good parent is providing everything…EVERYTHING that a child needs. But there are some days I cannot provide even myself.