Never Say Never

I think we have all at one time or another identified something we would “never” do. We believe so strongly in our convictions that we are confident enough to put it out there and affirm that we will NEVER eat Brussels sprouts, or ride a motorcycle without a helmet or bleach our hair. Then one day, completely out of the blue, there you are…motorcycling down the highway with a bowl of Brussels sprouts in one hand, your platinum blond locks flowing without benefit of cranial protection. The point is, you can never say “never” because you don’t know what the future holds.

When I became a parent, I harbored grand illusions that I would be the world’s greatest mom and that as a result of my greatness, my kid would be polite, respectful, kind, thoughtful and sweet. Well, she is, but just not to me. I swore to myself that I would set a bedtime routine that never wavered, that I would never allow her to eat processed sugar and I would never let her go outside in the nude. Three strikes. I failed at all of those.

I also failed with discipline. I believe in spanking, but not beating. I believe in time-outs, but in the form of standing in the corner. I believe that children should never say, at the age of four, “You are ruining my life.”

It was hard to take. I lost my temper and did something I swore to myself and others that I would NEVER do. I am ashamed of my actions and apologized to the Pie for hurting her. I meant it sincerely and she accepted my apology with a hug and kiss. My mind still reels at the thought of it…her wide indigo eyes filled with shock, how she stepped backwards away from me…it disgusts me and I feel like such a terrible parent.

What I learned from this incident is that I need help. It is not easy for me to ask for assistance. I would often rather just suck it up and tough it out. But it’s not just me we’re talking about. It’s the Pie, too. I cannot bear to see her confused face in my mind’s eye, remembering the sound of her cries. So I am seeking counseling to get some guidance on parenting and life-management. I surrender.

Being a single mom who also cares for an elderly parent is tough, people. There is no one to help ease the burden; and now that my best friend is gone, I can’t even vent about it! So I will see a professional who can offer me the help I need.

Because although I swore it would never happen, the handprint on the Pie’s left cheek is proof that it did.