Do You Validate?

I experienced a rather interesting revelation during a recent counseling session and while it helped me grieve the loss of my friend, it raised a few more questions that remain unanswered. I feel I must preface the following with a clarification to friends who may be reading this: I mean no offense; I do not intend to cast aspersions upon you or just plain piss you off. Please keep that in mind.

My counselor, who is a lovely young woman and seems to know her stuff pretty well, let me ramble on about the things I miss about Donna. It was pretty silly stuff really, but I mentioned that she was always there for me. And not in the ethereal “I’ll Always Be There For You” way, but every time I called, she answered, every time I went to her house, she was there. Of course, she was agoraphobic, but that’s not really the issue here. Let’s focus….

Whenever I needed someone to vent to about my frustrations, she talked me down from the ledge. We spent hours on the phone talking about nothing, and when I needed advice, she gave it freely. We called her The Wise Woman of the Tribe. It occurred to me that she was always good for an ego boost, also. She never failed to tell me that I was the smartest person she knew; she praised my parenting skills, my creativity, my intelligence, my humor, my strength – physical and internal.

I felt validated in my relationship with Donna. She saw me, understood me, appreciated me and accepted me. And I realized that’s what I miss the most. I don’t feel validated in any of my relationships with people. My daughter needs me and I am sure she appreciates what I do for her, but she is not equipped to verbalize her appreciation. My father needs me, but is terrified to admit it and continues to invalidate all of my efforts to properly care and provide for him. I just don’t feel as close to anyone as I felt to Donna. A friend I have known since 6th grade, whose daughters I consider my nieces, feels somewhat remote to me because she has a very busy life and health concerns of her own. One of my closest friends from high school is an ER physician with a crazy schedule, big family and hectic life. Another friend, with whom I shared a house for 9 years, also has her own stuff to deal with and I don’t feel as close to her as I think I should.

I don’t know what happened with these people. Perhaps, I withdrew when I became embarrassed about my own personal situation, or maybe I began to shut down and didn’t pursue more closeness with them. Whatever the case, I feel untethered. I don’t experience the connection that I think I need to be a healthy person. My counselor suggested that I put myself out there more, be more outspoken about what I need from my friends, but that scares me. What if I can’t find the validation I need from others to feel worthy? That just leaves me – and I’m a big ole mess!