The Life of Pie

Today The Pie and I celebrated her 5th birthday with a breakfast of pink pancakes, pizza for dinner and a friend sleeping over. I can’t believe it’s been five years since that little creature made her debut at 5:29 p.m. on a Friday evening.

I checked in to the hospital the night before, after a dinner of gyros and root beer. My friend Becky was planning to be with me throughout labor and delivery so she with me during registration. I was settled in my room, given an Ambien and Pitocin and we were left to our own devices. I don’t recall exactly what the topic was, but we talked and giggled like little girls practically all night. I was on a fetal heart monitor (which we called a He-tal Fart Monitor – after an hilarious scene from a movie called Micki and Maude), so I was unable to get up for any reason…even to use the restroom.


At 6:00 the next morning, more Pitocin was administered and I began to experience labor. It was no more uncomfortable than menstrual cramps but knowing it would result in something fabulous kept me going. At exactly noon on April 20, my water broke. For the life of me, I will never know why, but I asked, “What color is it?” The nurses determined meconium was present, so they attached a flushing tube to me. For the next five hours, I experienced moderately severe contractions and remember holding the hand of The Pie’s Poppy while he prayed and squeezing until I thought the man would yell out in pain!


At 5:02 p.m., my doctor waltzed in and said, “Let’s get her out of there,” as if she were a POW or something. Within minutes, I was in the delivery room, receiving a spinal block – which left my entire back bruised – and being draped for a C-section. When they finally let Becky in, I felt relief that someone could tell me what was going on…but she is, shall we say “vertically challenged” and couldn’t see over the drape. I asked, “When are they going to start ?” and was answered with laughter. The doc advised me that they had already made the cut and were pulling my daughter out even as I asked the question.


The glorious moment is a little blurry for me, but I do remember waiting to hear her little cry. It seemed to take forever from the moment they pulled her from my body – a nurse crying, “oh, how cute!” – until she took her first breath without my assistance. In that moment, I discovered that I received the fulfillment of a wish I never spoke, a dream I never knew I had and the answer to a prayer I never dared to ask.

Random "Shower" of Thoughts

I do my best thinking in the shower. It’s the only place that I really have to myself, with no one asking me to put something in them, rub something on them or do something for them. Usually, I can put together some pretty incredible strings while soaping up, but today, I felt disjointed and ended up with a real stream-of-consciousness vibe going on.

As I shampooed my hair, I started thinking about breakfast (because I was hungry) and then food in general. I wondered about the brave souls who first ate a coconut, an artichoke or crab legs…they seem so labor intensive and yet are quite delicious. Those people must have been REALLY hungry to work so hard for the little bit of food they found. I would have been incredibly pissed off. But that’s just me.

Now the rinse: I wish I looked good bald. Not that I know if I look bad…I’ve never been bald, but the time and effort it takes for me to do my hair seems ridiculous. I could be sweeping or mopping or something else more productive with my time! But because I don’t want to be stared at and my new boyfriend (I can’t believe it either!) likes me to have hair, I guess I will soldier on.



The soap-up: I am so proud to personally know people who have served in the military…and I need to make some calls about insurance and home health care after my surgery. (Surgery is scheduled for April 25th and involves a tender area of my nether regions and will require dressing changes. I refuse to ask my father or daughter to complete this task!!) Did I hear the phone ringing?
Shaving: I want to back in time and meet the first chick that shaved her legs and/or armpits. Then I want to punch her in the throat for starting this laborious trend. Again…a lot of work, for not a lot of reward. I sense a theme!
Foot Scrub: I need to come up with a yummy sugar-free dessert for cooking out with the fella (his name is Carl) and his son (Cody) and son’s girlfriend (Heather) this week. That will be fun! Why was I so nervous about changing my Facebook relationship status? And why did we have to discuss it before it happened? Technology makes us weirdoes.
Final Rinse: I like him. Really. A lot. I like his kid, too. A lot. Did I hear the phone ringing?

Crikey...I Got a Live One!!

I once heard a tale about a creature “out there” that is nice, thoughtful, funny and kind. This being allegedly appreciates women for who they are, not what their measurements are or if they give it up on the first date. Experts spend countless hours studying the courting and mating habits of these subjects and report that, while they are quite rare, they actually do exist. And I found one!

I wasn’t sure what to do with it at first…it was entirely foreign to me. My initial consideration was to run in the opposite direction, fearing that it was a hallucination or a harbinger of an impending mental breakdown. I remember being told all my life that these oddities were just waiting for me, but I supposed I always just missed them and ended up with a sub par specimen. My experiments with these creatures invariably failed spectacularly. Each one concluded with results of infidelity, abuse, low motivation, dishonesty, inconvenience, or general malfeasance.

The aforementioned subject in my care exhibits traits of humor, intelligence, kindness, compassion and attraction; those rarely combined in nature. Under further examination, the specimen is pleasing to the eye, generous, and elicits laughter and general feelings of warm fuzziness. When in the company of this elusive creature, the examiner feels, desired, enjoyed, appreciated and very well liked.

I am of the opinion that I shall retain full exclusive rights to this rare being for evaluation, observation and study. With careful consideration and ample exposure, the theorem that a Good Man exists for me will be proven!