After sharing eggs and bacon with the new man in my life, I headed back home and followed a sign for a garage sale. I noticed an elderly woman walking and thought nothing of it because it's a common sight in the neighborhood. Her lack of shoes did catch my attention and as I cruised past, I witnessed her tumble and fall head first into the sidewalk. I immediately pulled over, threw the car in gear and hopped out to assist her.
A bleeding goose-egg perched in the middle of her forehead, so I made her just sit still for a few minutes until I could get to the collection of fast-food napkins I house in my car's glove compartment. I put some pressure on the injury and slowed the bleeding, but she was determined to get up and walk somewhere. Her name was Jewel and she insisted I knew her brother Roy and she wanted me to take her to his house. While she jibber jabbered to me, I led her to my car under the guise of taking her to Roy's. Jewel patted my hand, muttering incoherently, and said she was glad to see me. She would soon change her mind.
I called 911 and explained that I was assisting an elderly woman with a bleeding head injury and the paramedics/fire department arrived in a flash! The tone of my quaint visit with Jewel rapidly deteriorated at light speed to a panicked, foul mouthed rage fest! The six men gathered at my vehicle looked at me like I was punking them! I tried to explain to them the events that occurred, but I was reduced to a fit of giggling about the time I heard "you stupid cock biters, leave me alone!" issue from the woman in my car. The young men spoke with her as professionally as her vulgarity would allow, but even they got frustrated as her tirade continued. When they attempted to guide Jewel to the ambulance, she suddenly gained Kung Fu Master status or something because all I saw was little arms and legs flying around and momentary glimpses of a little grey head. The image coupled with the stream of obscenities was enough to send all of the hot firemen into paroxysms of laughter, so they backed off. Little Old Jewel continued to fling curses at us, like "you son of a whore, you stupid sumbitch, don't touch me with your F**ing devil prick." Finally, one EMT advised me that they appreciated my attempt to help the woman and that they would take it from there.
I was a little dejected that I wouldn't have an opportunity to learn more cuss words and phrases, kinda like an Adult Sesame Street. Today's lesson is brought to you by the letter F and the middle finger!!
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