My Brush with Mortality

In the movie Meet Joe Black , Death pays a visit to a man to warn him of his impending demise. Brad Pitt didn't stop by my house for coffee a couple of weeks ago, but it felt to me like he might be lurking around the corner. And not in a good way.

Mowing the yard is usually one of my favorite tasks because I get to strap on earbuds and listen to 80s dance music at dangerously high decibels and escape from someone needing me for at least 90 minutes. It gives me an opportunity to de-stress and do mind numbing manual labor. It was also, apparently, the chance for me to scare the shit out of my neighbors! One minute I was busy mowing and the next minute I was on the ground surrounded by a bunch of men. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't complain, but I didn't have any recollection of how I got in that position. Admittedly, I was unnerved.

A short time later, I was loaded into an ambulance and transported to an emergency room in the neighboring city, the paramedics being convinced I had suffered a head injury as the result of a fall. The full lights and sirens ride was kind of cool, but during the whole episode all I could think was, "What about the Pie and Dad?" What if I had to be admitted to the hospital? What if it was something serious? Who would take care of them?

Here's what I figured out: if something puts me out of commission, they are screwed! They won't have me to clean the house, wash clothes, prepare meals, wash dishes, open jars and packages, shop for groceries, apply bandages and ointments, pick up items dropped or left on the floor, or mow the yard. During the crisis, my neighbor stepped up and took the Pie to her house, but my Dad was left alone in the house with only the sketchy information he received from a paramedic. I know he worried himself into a state while I was gone. It's what he does.

The truth is, I am terrified of leaving this earth while I am still needed. The Pie is only 7 and has so much to experience and I want to share that with her. If I go before my Dad, I am certain he would follow quickly behind me, just because he refuses to go to a nursing facility. Facing my own mortality is a very uncomfortable proposition for me. I fear the possibility of agonizing pain related to dying, of dying in the water, of dying in a fire, of dying in a car crash. Well...of dying.

I was scared. Very scared. Mostly because there were so many questions I couldn't answer. Questions still exist for me...how would my death change the Pie? How would she adjust to her new home in Kansas? How would she handle holidays without me? Would she be taught all the things I still need to teach her? I trust that the people I have chosen to care for her in the event of my death would do an excellent job raising her, but would they do it as well as only I can?

What I do know is that I must cherish every moment with her, guide her into being a good citizen and hope my influence stays with her even after I'm gone.