I am a planner. It's what I do. I begin planning events well ahead of time to make sure that all the details are in place and whatever the event, it will be perfect. I started planning Thanksgiving dinner this morning and realized that no matter what I plan, it will not be perfect. My dad won't be at his place at the table. He'll be in a nursing home, most likely choking down pureed turkey and dressing. It's doesn't exactly elicit a Norman Rockwell type of image.
No matter how moist the turkey is, how sweet the yams are or creamy the pumpkin pie is, my family won't be together to share it. It's very sad to me to think about the upcoming holidays without him here at home to celebrate with me and The Pie. I've gotten so used to planning the meal and festivities around the two of them that I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. How can I plan something that really isn't going to happen?
I know that the spirit of Thanksgiving is more than just one day a year, more than a four day weekend, more than a parade, more than football games and great sales on electronics. It's a spirit of gratitude for everything and everyone we have in our lives. We should celebrate it every day. And I try to. Some days are easier than others.
Since Dad went into the nursing home, I've become withdrawn, less motivated and quite depressed. I haven't cooked much, either. Most of our meals have been fast food or eating out. The majority of my time used to be spent taking care of Dad in one way or another - managing my time between him, The Pie and The Cuteness, my babysitting charge. Now I realize that I have much more time available to work on projects - cleaning, organizing, redecorating - but I lack the energy to begin, much less complete, them.
Holidays are what you make of them and all about traditions, so I guess this year we will start a new tradition. I could prepare a smaller scale dinner for The Pie and myself, then take a plate to the nursing home for dad, making sure to take only things he can easily swallow. Or I could dress us up and visit him for the nursing home meal, giving thanks that we can still sit at a table together. Watching the parade was always a favorite, so we could bring him breakfast and watch the parade with him. Or we could take snacks to share and watch the football game. I have many options, but I need to determine the best course of action.
Oh, hey! I guess that means I get to plan after all!
I read a parenting article today that outlined how we, as parents, scar our children for life by making our own bad life decisions. I experienced conflicting emotions about that statement, because while I have made some questionable moves in my life, I don't see how the Pie can be scarred by them.
This article talked about mistakes that parents make to impart internal scars on our kids. One was not having a father present in the child's life. That one caught my eye. The Pie's biological father has NEVER been a presence. He has never seen her or helped support her in any way. The article made think...isn't no presence better than a negative presence? The man was an alcoholic, was violent, couldn't hold gainful employment and cursed like it was his job. He had three other children with another woman, and I cringed when I heard him talk to them on the phone. When I got pregnant, I knew that I wouldn't want that influence in my life or my child's, so I was somewhat relieved when he took off.
If I had encouraged him to be involved in the Pie's life, she would be a totally different child. She would live in fear of his outbursts and probably suffer ill consequences from his harsh and critical ways. In that way, I can see how she might be scarred, but having no father presence in her life is something she is pretty cool with. I can't feel guilty about him not wanting to be in her life, that's his loss, but I can continue to provide a loving environment for her.
What I don't want to do is be a helicopter parent that hovers over her all the time, making sure nothing happens to her. There's a scene in Finding Nemo that Dorie asks Marlin, "if nothing happens to him, how will anything ever happen to him?" BEST. PARENTING. ADVICE. EVER. The Pie needs to make mistakes, learn hard lessons and become the woman she is destined to be. If I protect her from the world, she will never be a part of it in any significant way. Who am I to deny the planet her effervescent little self? What a disservice that would be!
As it is, she asks my permission to do just about anything. Unevenly cut Barbie hair? Sharpie marker on the wall? Complete destruction of my make up? Nope... not gonna happen because she always asks me first. Believe me, I know there will come a time when she won't ask before doing something I won't permit, but I'm okay with that. Just like her recent cheating incident, she cannot learn from mistakes if she doesn't have a chance to make them. To me, sheltering her from making those mistakes would cause even bigger scars.
And what's so bad about scars anyway?
I am fascinated by scars. There is usually an interesting story that goes along with a bodily scar and if I can't determine the real story, I often entertain myself by making one up. Lots of move stars and celebrities have interesting scars...Harrison Ford, Bruce Willis, Catherine Zeta-Jones. I think they add character. To me, scars are a permanent mark from something making an impact. From an artistic perspective, sculptures are the perfect example of scars being beautiful. The artist starts with a block of marble and slowly, painstakingly chips away at it, leaving scars, until the art emerges...striking, powerful and resonant.
There is something beautiful about scars, regardless of how they are obtained. It shows that at one time we were injured, but the wound has healed and the hurt is gone and we have moved on with our lives.
