Scarred for Life

I read a parenting article today that outlined how we, as parents, scar our children for life by making our own bad life decisions. I experienced conflicting emotions about that statement, because while I have made some questionable moves in my life, I don't see how the Pie can be scarred by them. 

This article talked about mistakes that parents make to impart internal scars on our kids. One was not having a father present in the child's life. That one caught my eye. The Pie's biological father has NEVER been a presence. He has never seen her or helped support her in any way. The article made think...isn't no presence better than a negative presence? The man was an alcoholic, was violent, couldn't hold gainful employment and cursed like it was his job. He had three other children with another woman, and I cringed when I heard him talk to them on the phone. When I got pregnant, I knew that I wouldn't want that influence in my life or my child's, so I was somewhat relieved when he took off. 

If I had encouraged him to be involved in the Pie's life, she would be a totally different child. She would live in fear of his outbursts and probably suffer ill consequences from his harsh and critical ways. In that way, I can see how she might be scarred, but having no father presence in her life is something she is pretty cool with. I can't feel guilty about him not wanting to be in her life, that's his loss, but I can continue to provide a loving environment for her.

What I don't want to do is be a helicopter parent that hovers over her all the time, making sure nothing happens to her. There's a scene in Finding Nemo that Dorie asks Marlin, "if nothing happens to him, how will anything ever happen to him?" BEST. PARENTING. ADVICE. EVER. The Pie needs to make mistakes, learn hard lessons and become the woman she is destined to be. If I protect her from the world, she will never be a part of it in any significant way. Who am I to deny the planet her effervescent little self? What a disservice that would be! 

As it is, she asks my permission to do just about anything. Unevenly cut Barbie hair? Sharpie marker on the wall? Complete destruction of my make up? Nope... not gonna happen because she always asks me first. Believe me,  I know there will come a time when she won't ask before doing something I won't permit, but I'm okay with that. Just like her recent cheating incident, she cannot learn from mistakes if she doesn't have a chance to make them. To me, sheltering her from making those mistakes would cause even bigger scars. 

And what's so bad about scars anyway?

I am fascinated by scars. There is usually an interesting story that goes along with a bodily scar and if I can't determine the real story, I often entertain myself by making one up. Lots of move stars and celebrities have interesting scars...Harrison Ford, Bruce Willis, Catherine Zeta-Jones. I think they add character. To me, scars are a permanent mark from something making an impact. From an artistic perspective, sculptures are the perfect example of scars being beautiful. The artist starts with a block of marble and slowly, painstakingly chips away at it, leaving scars, until the art emerges...striking, powerful and resonant. 

 There is something beautiful about scars, regardless of how they are obtained. It shows that at one time we were injured, but the wound has healed and the hurt is gone and we have moved on with our lives.