I Am an Addict Part Two

I realized early in my life that I have an addictive personality. You know how you do one funny thing for a toddler and they just keep saying, “Again”? That’s me – but I never grew out of it. I embraced that need for repetition and ran with it for 50 years!  I’ve smoked for almost all of my adult life and that is most certainly an addiction! My addiction to food is obvious and insidious; I was addicted to television shows, foods, sex, people…I think it gave me a sense of comfort and familiarity that I longed for as a child.

What I did NOT become addicted to was recreational drugs. Looking back, I realize that I could be telling a very different story today. I never tried cocaine or crack or crank or anything that required me to snort or inject. How undignified! I did smoke marijuana a few times in college, but I never cared for the loss of control I felt when I did. I sampled variously colored amphetamine tablets – which were GREAT for losing weight, but I eventually grew fatigued by the constant head itch that resulted from it. I took Ecstasy one time. ONE TIME! That singular incident proved to me one thing: I was doomed to be Ecstasy’s slave if only I took it one MORE time.

 

I am not necessarily a devotee of the whole “life in moderation” philosophy.  As an only child, adopted by older parents, I benefitted from their attention and am the first to admit I was (or am) spoiled. Growing up, I wanted EVERYTHING and my parents did the best they could to provide EVERYTHING for me. But I didn’t learn how to moderate. Anything. Not my food, my fun, my voice, my thoughts.

For much of my life, I felt like a fraud. I behaved differently depending on the environment, company or activity with which I was involved. So when the opportunity to feel better about myself presented itself in such a tempting and convincing way, I didn’t want to miss the chance.  Over 15 years later, as I roamed Earth in the form of a “PharmaZombie,” I reluctantly agreed to face my life without medications ruling it.

I began the process of detoxing from Effexor back in November 2015; a gradual step-down in small dosages. The change caused only slight symptoms, but nothing unmanageable or debilitating. I would feel the occasional weakness of limbs, or a little light-headedness upon standing, but to me it was ok. Then the Big Jump happened. First, flu-like symptoms presented themselves with a vengeance. The transition from 150 mg to 75 mg felt akin to participating in the Pamplona running of the bulls: my adrenaline shot off the charts, I was disoriented, panicked, confused and fell down a lot! My heart raced and my senses were heightened to the extreme power; I had brain shivers, where I could barely pronounce my own name. My eyes made squeaking noises when I blinked; I could hear my eyeballs move around inside my head!! With every movement, I heard tiny little ninja noises: ‘whoosh, whish, whoosh.”  The sound of my own voice in my head nauseated me so that I stopped speaking to anyone for one entire day. All I dreamed of was laying perfectly still inside a cool, dark room.

For a period of about nine days, I barely functioned. I have no clear memory of that time in which I drove to work, spent eight hours at the office, drove home and took care of my child. It’s entirely possible that there was a night or two that The Pie had to microwave corn dogs herself for dinner!

After researching ways to manage the symptoms of Effexor withdrawal, I read articles about flushing the toxin out of my system.  I debated about all the options within my budget and eventually found something no too terribly distasteful.  A nifty cocktail of Omega-3 fish oil and a B-Complex vitamin, combined with a natural mood booster eased the symptoms within the first two days of taking them. 

At first, I thought there was NO WAY that some vitamins would do anything to ease my mildly homicidal urges or calm my unexpected sobbing jags. Which is why I know it was not a placebo effect – I had no faith in it whatsoever and it worked anyway! The B-Complex gives me energy and is fortified with Vitamin C which helps fight off yucky germ invasions. The fish oil has no identifiable effect, but it seems to work well with the B-Complex. The mood booster is a variety of things with names that sound foreign, but I will attest to its assistance in managing my mood.

My ultimate goal is to live completely without pharmaceuticals of any kind, unless I become seriously ill. I hated being dependent on daily medication – a slave to pills! I still have a few unexplained crying episodes, but I attribute it to being fully engaged with my emotions again. My temper is admittedly much shorter now that it was, but I just have to remind myself to breathe before I react.

Some of my friends have never known me without the medication and will be probably be confused and a little nervous in my presence. But for those who have been around for the long haul…”I’m baaaaack!”