Before You Speak

When you’re sad and depressed, people always try to cheer you up or offer sentiments of encouragement. I love those people; and while I do appreciate the thought behind the statements, I get irritated by the fact that social convention prevents me responding with my true thoughts or feelings.

For example, when someone says to me: “Everything happens for a reason.” I want to say, “Yeah, because I made a really stupid decision and set in motion a course of events that sent me spiraling into a miasma of self-loathing and unmitigated fear.” But I usually, say, “That’s so true.” Thanks for basically saying I was supposed to go through this tragic situation. Yes, I understand the message, but please don't say this when my pain is still fresh. It usually doesn't help.

Or when they say, “Hang in there!” I fight the urge to respond with, “You betcha! I’ll tie a noose in that rope, slip my head in there and hang like snot from a toddler’s nose.”  But I typically just nod my head and mutter, “Thanks.”

How about this gem: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I get the sentiment behind the statement. And I agree that some trials do serve to teach us lessons and give us strength. However, it has evolved into a statement that connotes the idea that in order to be strong, we have to ultimately fend off death. ACTUAL death! In some cases, I would rather hold hands and play footsy with the Grim Reaper than deal with the crap sandwich currently on my plate!

Here’s a good one: “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.” Here’s the thing - I don’t believe God is the cause of pain, loss, hate and sadness. I’d like to think that God is not somewhere cackling maniacally and rubbing his hands together in a classic Machiavellian fashion, thinking, “Let’s see if she can handle THIS!” There are people who can’t handle it. I’m one of them. That’s why I’ve shut down. And it’s not encouraging to say this awful event is my prize in life for being a strong person.

A friend of mine (who happens to be a Lutheran minister) recently reached out to me regarding my shutting down. Not once, did he mention that if I “let go and let God”, things would get better. He didn’t say to “place it in the Lord’s hands” or offer clichés or platitudes. What he did help me understand is that sometimes people lose their joy when they feel like they’ve given everything they have. He mentioned combat veterans and caretakers as two primary examples.

The thing is, I have slowly sunk to the point of not caring about anything. The Pie basically takes care of herself now and when I’m not at the job I loathe, I watch television. I recently started watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, and must admit that I considered participating in illegal behavior to get out of my financial abyss. But then, I realized that it’s fiction. So, rest assured that cooking meth is not a viable avenue for my future. If there IS a future, that is.

I am so blinded by the financial ruin and debt that suffocates me that I can’t see past the moment. Try as I might to apply all those inspirational and encouraging phrases in my life, I am unable to feel hope that it will get better. I worry about how I can properly parent my daughter when I just. Don’t. Care. Will there be a time when I can find joy in the little things…in ANY thing?