Birth of a Comedienne

I wish everyone could spend just one day with my kid. Not just because I could use the break, (because who wouldn’t?) but because she would keep you laughing until you pee your pants a little. The Pie is one of the funniest people I have ever personally known and the best part is – she doesn’t even have to try! Her innocence and sponge-like retention of the most trivial things makes her a treasure trove of hilarity. What follows is only a carefully small, hand-selected collection of actual things that have been uttered by The Pie.

A PROFESSIONAL OPINION My daughter loves to role-play and pretend, so oftentimes I find myself in some ridiculous situation feeding invisible apples to made-up bears; but on this occasion, I was the baby, and the Pie was the mama. She covered me with her Curious George towel, patted me on the head and said, “night, night.” She then sat on a chair and pretended to read, like her care takers are wont to do when she naps. After about 8 ½ seconds, she proceeded to “wake me up.” She asked if I had good dreams (like I always ask her in the mornings), so playing along, I told her of a fantastic dream that involved magical plants, flying cars, rainbow staircases, talking frogs, singing butterflies and shoes that exploded! With a very serious face and with deep compassion, she once again gently patted my head and said, “You really sick, Mama. Go back to bed.”
MUSH MOUTH The Pie spends her days with her Mimi, a woman I consider to be a very good friend. We are so close, in fact, that we consider each other part of our families. Mimi’s son had been spending time with a young lady and she one day announced she was pregnant. It was shocking news in light of the fact that the young lady has spent time in Africa as a missionary and seemed dedicated to a “Christian” life-style. In the throes of Mimi’s apoplexy at her baby having a baby, she alluded to the fact that her son had “knocked up a missionary.” My daughter, who hears all and sees all, told me later that MimI was crying : “ 'cause Anden knock over a mush!"
SMELLS LIKE A FAIRY TAIL…ER, TALE The Pie likes her stories. One day as she pretended to be a giant, demolishing everything in her path a la Godzilla, the adults around her encouraged her with shouts of “Fee Fie Foe Fum…I smell the blood of an English man!” And because she repeats (sort of) everything she hears, she lets out the following cry: “Fee Fie Foe Fum… I smell a BUM!”
EASY AS 1,2,3 As most parents do at some point in their parenthood career, I have implemented the counting strategy to admonish the Pie into a desired behavior. As a child, I thought it was kind of goofy myself, but I see the value of it now. Well, I USED to until recently. My daughter is painfully similar to me in that she is headstrong, stubborn and emotional. I have been working with her to ask for things in a nice manner – saying, “please” when she wants more juice, chewy snacks, noodles, whatever. Recently, she wanted more chocolate milk in her cup and proceeded to throw her cup at my feet and say, “More chocolate milk!” I assembled my face in the proper motherly gaze and inquired, “Is that the right way to ask Mama for something?” Her response? “1…2…”