Funeral for a Friend

When a family member dies, it’s a crushing blow that people around you understand and sympathize with. But when you lose a friend, those around us mention how sorry they are for the loss, but that’s where it ends. You don’t get 3 days leave from work to grieve for a friend, you are not involved in helping with funeral arrangements and you often end up lost in the crowd, being one of the random people paying their respects.



The stark reality is that your grief just isn’t as important as that of the immediate family. Friends are expected to support the family, send flowers, make casseroles and sign guest books. But what most people don’t understand is this: grief attacks everyone who knew the deceased.


I recently lost my most beloved friend of 18 years, Donna. She was a special “chosen relative” and we were more than friends, we were like family. Since my mother passed many years ago, I designated her as the Pie’s grandmother figure…she was Mimi. She treated the Pie just as any grandmother would – spoiled her beyond belief! Donna was the best Mimi any kid could ever wish for and my daughter adored her.


Donna’s health had been rapidly declining over the past few months and we all knew that the prognosis was not a positive one. For weeks, she had been bed-bound with no ability to move without pain. She and I discussed many times – even before her illness became so severe – how she wanted her death handled by those she left behind. In fact, the day she died, we talked about my role in supporting her husband emotionally and helping him through the transition. She again adamantly stated she wanted to be cremated and no services were to be held. In life, Donna wanted no attention brought to herself; she wanted to fade into the background and didn’t like people looking at her. It seemed fitting to honor her wishes, but it was not to be.


Funerals are for the living, to provide closure (if that is possible), to say good-bye and to celebrate the life of the loved one. I totally get that. However, some people are entrenched in tradition and insist on having the textbook service for their lost family member. I struggled mightily to not insert myself into the mix of the arrangements. I mentioned that Donna and I spoke about specifics and how I wanted to honor her memory by following those instructions. But since I had no decision making power, I let the family handle everything. I did ask to read something and to play two songs and I was honored that my requests were approved. It ended up being a nice graveside service with many more people in attendance than were expected. People spoke about how generous and humorous she was and told many funny stories involving her antics.


I found myself surrounded by people – many of them friends – and thought that the only thing missing for the event to be a real party…was Donna.