Over the past few weeks, my house became the one where all the neighborhood kids liked to hang out. I prefer to think that it’s because I have a charming and charismatic daughter to whom they flock; or it may be my own fun and somewhat more laid back approach they enjoy. In any case, lots of kids hang out here but not once have they asked to use the bathroom. Yesterday, many things crystallized for me and I realized I was being duped.
When kids are playing and having fun, the last thing they want to do is stop the action to leave the group and go inside to use the facilities. So, my intelligent, problem-solving Pie devised a plan to urinate into a bucket in the garage. Then another friend thought it would be a good idea, as well. That way, no one had to get out of eyesight of what the kids were doing, and they wouldn’t miss anything fun. On the one hand, I can see the pragmatism of this solution. Who wants to be gone from their friends for three and a half minutes while emptying their bladder? Why not stay engaged and pee at the same time? On the other hand, as a mother, I see so many problems with this behavior, not the least of which is that I am the one most likely to have to empty the bucket!! The Pie and her neighbor friend have been caught urinating outside before and there have been consequences for both of them. It seems they were not harsh enough.
Yesterday, while I worked on a dining room remodel project, children from the neighborhood roamed in and out of the house, playing and riding bikes and generally being kids. At one point, I went outside into the lovely day and found The Pie “washing the car.” She had snuck some washcloths from the bathroom and busied herself with cleaning the windows and portions of the car body that she could reach. I asked where she got the water and she told me that Mike, the lawn-obsessed neighbor across the street, had filled the bucket with his garden hose. I registered no doubt or curiosity at this statement… but wait, there’s more. The Pie was so proud of the job she completed and thought the car was the shiniest it had ever been, that she began harassing me for money in exchange for the unsolicited wash. We joked around a little and as I was picking up the washcloths and the bucket she used, I noticed a pungent odor. A strong, definite smell of ammonia wafted to my nostrils.
While I found out later that it was, indeed, true that Mike had put water from the hose into the bucket, I was horrified to discover that The Pie and a friend also contributed to the level of liquid. It took a split second for me to realize that the shiny car in my driveway was soaked in the urine of my daughter and her friend. I sent everyone home, took the Pie inside and delivered swift justice; I doubt she will pee outside again.
But she did do a really good job on the car wash!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
You Talkin' to Me?
I’ve met a lot of people in my years on this earth and I thought I had seen and heard almost everything, but the level of rudeness and insensitivity that currently exists in society stuns me. I have encountered several new people recently and in some instances, had an opportunity to share some minor personal details. One man, in his early 50s, had the audacity to say to me, “Why did you have a baby if couldn’t afford it?” Thankfully, I possess the smart-ass gene and replied: “I waited 42 years already…how long was I supposed to wait?”
I apparently labor under the misapprehension that the stigma of being a single mother is a thing of the past. I’m sure you lovely readers know at least one, if not more, single moms; if not, then you soon will. So as a community service, I am here to speak for all of them and advise you of the things you are never, EVER allowed to say to them:
· “Where’s the child’s father?” In my own situation, the true answer is, “I don’t know,” but the truth is…NONE of your business. If the single mom chooses to share a part of her story, then it’s her choice. But she feels judged enough…she doesn’t need to explain the circumstances surrounding how she became a single mother to someone she barely knows.
· “Do you work?” Of course, we work! Around the clock! If we maintain employment outside the home, we feel guilty that we don’t spend enough time with our child; if we don’t, we feel guilty turning to state funded assistance in hard times. When I was asked this question, I replied, “I am the manager of a site-specific project leveraging behavior modification against the acquisition of La La Loopsys.” Yeah, that lady turned almost as blue as her hair!
· “You look tired!” That’s just a polite way to say, “You look like hammered hippo shit!” Don’t try to act like it isn’t! Our minds never stop spinning; in our heads we make grocery lists, plan play dates, plan meals, make a budget – sometimes being alarmingly creative, schedule doctor appointments and school functions. We cook, clean, launder, sweep, vacuum, bathe, brush, scrub, straighten and straighten and straighten. No wonder we’re tired!
· “Dating must be hard.” Thank you Captain Obvious! What amazing insight you possess! It’s harder than Chinese calculus, but it can be done…I believe it’s possible. Perhaps not always successfully, but understand that we do it not with the ultimate goal of finding “a new daddy” for our child, but a special someone with which we can share our lives, regardless of our respective baggage.
· “How long have you been divorced?” Let’s not presume to think that in addition to raising a child alone, I failed in a marriage, too! You know what happens when you assume. Enough said!
· “Where is your daughter/son now?” Concert, dinner, shopping, movie…doesn’t matter. I am asked where The Pie is as if she should be at my side every second of the day. Do you really need to know? She’s not with me, so how far of a stretch is it for you to believe that I have left her in the care of a responsible adult? No, I didn’t leave her in charge of her grandfather at home, but I did pay extra to have the umbilical cord cut when she was born, so that she can build independence and I can maintain my sanity.
· “Let me know if you ever need a sitter.” It’s not really what you mean, so don’t even waste your breath saying it. I always need a sitter, but what you should really say is “I have some time Tuesday evening, why I don’t I take The Pie for a couple of hours so you can watch a Red Box movie that’s not animated?” Yeah, try that one! Single moms appreciate the offer, but it is irritatingly similar to suggesting that “we do this again sometime” or “let’s have lunch.” No one really means it.
· “I don’t know how you do it!” This has got to be the most annoying thing I hear on a regular basis. What I hear is that you have no faith in my ability to manage raising a child on my own, much less do it with barely enough money to make ends meet. Truth is, I’m not sure how I do it, either, but I do. And I do a damn good job of it. I’ve made bad choices, I admit, but I did it all for her and I was the only one to suffer the consequences. So if you utter this phrase to a single mom, don’t expect an outline of how she does it, because she has no idea how it works…but is just grateful that it does.
What I want to hear is that I am doing a good job. Don’t judge me if The Pie has a hair out place or is wearing her underpants backwards. Tell me that she is a wonderful reflection of me and she has a great role model. Don’t try to make me feel less of a person because I don’t have a husband – because at this point, I prefer it this way. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the hell up!!
I apparently labor under the misapprehension that the stigma of being a single mother is a thing of the past. I’m sure you lovely readers know at least one, if not more, single moms; if not, then you soon will. So as a community service, I am here to speak for all of them and advise you of the things you are never, EVER allowed to say to them:
· “Where’s the child’s father?” In my own situation, the true answer is, “I don’t know,” but the truth is…NONE of your business. If the single mom chooses to share a part of her story, then it’s her choice. But she feels judged enough…she doesn’t need to explain the circumstances surrounding how she became a single mother to someone she barely knows.
· “Do you work?” Of course, we work! Around the clock! If we maintain employment outside the home, we feel guilty that we don’t spend enough time with our child; if we don’t, we feel guilty turning to state funded assistance in hard times. When I was asked this question, I replied, “I am the manager of a site-specific project leveraging behavior modification against the acquisition of La La Loopsys.” Yeah, that lady turned almost as blue as her hair!
· “You look tired!” That’s just a polite way to say, “You look like hammered hippo shit!” Don’t try to act like it isn’t! Our minds never stop spinning; in our heads we make grocery lists, plan play dates, plan meals, make a budget – sometimes being alarmingly creative, schedule doctor appointments and school functions. We cook, clean, launder, sweep, vacuum, bathe, brush, scrub, straighten and straighten and straighten. No wonder we’re tired!
· “Dating must be hard.” Thank you Captain Obvious! What amazing insight you possess! It’s harder than Chinese calculus, but it can be done…I believe it’s possible. Perhaps not always successfully, but understand that we do it not with the ultimate goal of finding “a new daddy” for our child, but a special someone with which we can share our lives, regardless of our respective baggage.
· “How long have you been divorced?” Let’s not presume to think that in addition to raising a child alone, I failed in a marriage, too! You know what happens when you assume. Enough said!
· “Where is your daughter/son now?” Concert, dinner, shopping, movie…doesn’t matter. I am asked where The Pie is as if she should be at my side every second of the day. Do you really need to know? She’s not with me, so how far of a stretch is it for you to believe that I have left her in the care of a responsible adult? No, I didn’t leave her in charge of her grandfather at home, but I did pay extra to have the umbilical cord cut when she was born, so that she can build independence and I can maintain my sanity.
· “Let me know if you ever need a sitter.” It’s not really what you mean, so don’t even waste your breath saying it. I always need a sitter, but what you should really say is “I have some time Tuesday evening, why I don’t I take The Pie for a couple of hours so you can watch a Red Box movie that’s not animated?” Yeah, try that one! Single moms appreciate the offer, but it is irritatingly similar to suggesting that “we do this again sometime” or “let’s have lunch.” No one really means it.
· “I don’t know how you do it!” This has got to be the most annoying thing I hear on a regular basis. What I hear is that you have no faith in my ability to manage raising a child on my own, much less do it with barely enough money to make ends meet. Truth is, I’m not sure how I do it, either, but I do. And I do a damn good job of it. I’ve made bad choices, I admit, but I did it all for her and I was the only one to suffer the consequences. So if you utter this phrase to a single mom, don’t expect an outline of how she does it, because she has no idea how it works…but is just grateful that it does.
What I want to hear is that I am doing a good job. Don’t judge me if The Pie has a hair out place or is wearing her underpants backwards. Tell me that she is a wonderful reflection of me and she has a great role model. Don’t try to make me feel less of a person because I don’t have a husband – because at this point, I prefer it this way. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the hell up!!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Pie Theory
Some of the best conversations The Pie and I have had were during a nighttime car ride and this past weekend did not disappoint. On our way home from a friend’s house, The Pie began to wax philosophical while staring at the “Blue Moon.”
Pie: “Mama, what happens if all the people on Earth die?”
Me: “Then no one would be left to take care of it?”
Pie: “Would all the animals and plants and trees and lakes and oceans die, too?”
Me: “Probably. If there are no humans to take care of them, they just might.”
Pie: “Yeah.”
I knew it wouldn’t end there. It is not possible for her to leave something alone without exhaustively talking it out. Ok, here we go:
Pie:” Mama, I have an idea.”
Me: “Really, what’s that?”
Pie: “I think after all the people are dead, that God should send two angels back here in human being form to start all over.”
Me: “How would that work?”
Pie: “Well, God had to make sure they know all the rules to follow so they can take good care of everything and make more people so after the angels leave, everyone else will know how to take care of stuff.”
Me: “How will the angels make new people?”
Pie: “Mama (in a very annoyed tone), you KNOW how that happens. Duh!”
Me: (fighting laughter) “You’re right I do. Do you?”
Pie: “Yes. God puts special babies in ladies’ tummies that don’t have a husband and they are the best babies in the world and when they grow up they can save the world.”
Me: “That sounds pretty neat…are you one of those babies?”
Pie: “Well, yeah…it was my idea to bring the angels back and so I saved the world!”
Me: “That is fantastic!”
Pie: “Yeah…AND I did it in kindergarten!!”
Moments later, she fell asleep. Dreaming, I assume, of what wonderful feat she will accomplish next.
Pie: “Mama, what happens if all the people on Earth die?”
Me: “Then no one would be left to take care of it?”
Pie: “Would all the animals and plants and trees and lakes and oceans die, too?”
Me: “Probably. If there are no humans to take care of them, they just might.”
Pie: “Yeah.”
I knew it wouldn’t end there. It is not possible for her to leave something alone without exhaustively talking it out. Ok, here we go:
Pie:” Mama, I have an idea.”
Me: “Really, what’s that?”
Pie: “I think after all the people are dead, that God should send two angels back here in human being form to start all over.”
Me: “How would that work?”
Pie: “Well, God had to make sure they know all the rules to follow so they can take good care of everything and make more people so after the angels leave, everyone else will know how to take care of stuff.”
Me: “How will the angels make new people?”
Pie: “Mama (in a very annoyed tone), you KNOW how that happens. Duh!”
Me: (fighting laughter) “You’re right I do. Do you?”
Pie: “Yes. God puts special babies in ladies’ tummies that don’t have a husband and they are the best babies in the world and when they grow up they can save the world.”
Me: “That sounds pretty neat…are you one of those babies?”
Pie: “Well, yeah…it was my idea to bring the angels back and so I saved the world!”
Me: “That is fantastic!”
Pie: “Yeah…AND I did it in kindergarten!!”
Moments later, she fell asleep. Dreaming, I assume, of what wonderful feat she will accomplish next.
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