You Talkin' to Me?

I’ve met a lot of people in my years on this earth and I thought I had seen and heard almost everything, but the level of rudeness and insensitivity that currently exists in society stuns me. I have encountered several new people recently and in some instances, had an opportunity to share some minor personal details. One man, in his early 50s, had the audacity to say to me, “Why did you have a baby if couldn’t afford it?” Thankfully, I possess the smart-ass gene and replied: “I waited 42 years already…how long was I supposed to wait?”


I apparently labor under the misapprehension that the stigma of being a single mother is a thing of the past. I’m sure you lovely readers know at least one, if not more, single moms; if not, then you soon will. So as a community service, I am here to speak for all of them and advise you of the things you are never, EVER allowed to say to them:



· “Where’s the child’s father?” In my own situation, the true answer is, “I don’t know,” but the truth is…NONE of your business. If the single mom chooses to share a part of her story, then it’s her choice. But she feels judged enough…she doesn’t need to explain the circumstances surrounding how she became a single mother to someone she barely knows.

· “Do you work?” Of course, we work! Around the clock! If we maintain employment outside the home, we feel guilty that we don’t spend enough time with our child; if we don’t, we feel guilty turning to state funded assistance in hard times. When I was asked this question, I replied, “I am the manager of a site-specific project leveraging behavior modification against the acquisition of La La Loopsys.” Yeah, that lady turned almost as blue as her hair!

· “You look tired!” That’s just a polite way to say, “You look like hammered hippo shit!” Don’t try to act like it isn’t! Our minds never stop spinning; in our heads we make grocery lists, plan play dates, plan meals, make a budget – sometimes being alarmingly creative, schedule doctor appointments and school functions. We cook, clean, launder, sweep, vacuum, bathe, brush, scrub, straighten and straighten and straighten. No wonder we’re tired!

· “Dating must be hard.” Thank you Captain Obvious! What amazing insight you possess! It’s harder than Chinese calculus, but it can be done…I believe it’s possible. Perhaps not always successfully, but understand that we do it not with the ultimate goal of finding “a new daddy” for our child, but a special someone with which we can share our lives, regardless of our respective baggage.

· “How long have you been divorced?” Let’s not presume to think that in addition to raising a child alone, I failed in a marriage, too! You know what happens when you assume. Enough said!

· “Where is your daughter/son now?” Concert, dinner, shopping, movie…doesn’t matter. I am asked where The Pie is as if she should be at my side every second of the day. Do you really need to know? She’s not with me, so how far of a stretch is it for you to believe that I have left her in the care of a responsible adult? No, I didn’t leave her in charge of her grandfather at home, but I did pay extra to have the umbilical cord cut when she was born, so that she can build independence and I can maintain my sanity.

· “Let me know if you ever need a sitter.” It’s not really what you mean, so don’t even waste your breath saying it. I always need a sitter, but what you should really say is “I have some time Tuesday evening, why I don’t I take The Pie for a couple of hours so you can watch a Red Box movie that’s not animated?” Yeah, try that one! Single moms appreciate the offer, but it is irritatingly similar to suggesting that “we do this again sometime” or “let’s have lunch.” No one really means it.

· “I don’t know how you do it!” This has got to be the most annoying thing I hear on a regular basis. What I hear is that you have no faith in my ability to manage raising a child on my own, much less do it with barely enough money to make ends meet. Truth is, I’m not sure how I do it, either, but I do. And I do a damn good job of it. I’ve made bad choices, I admit, but I did it all for her and I was the only one to suffer the consequences. So if you utter this phrase to a single mom, don’t expect an outline of how she does it, because she has no idea how it works…but is just grateful that it does.



What I want to hear is that I am doing a good job. Don’t judge me if The Pie has a hair out place or is wearing her underpants backwards. Tell me that she is a wonderful reflection of me and she has a great role model. Don’t try to make me feel less of a person because I don’t have a husband – because at this point, I prefer it this way. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the hell up!!