An Open Letter to Men

WARNING: MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY AND/OR THOSE WITH SENSITIVITIES TOWARD VULGARITY WILL NOT WANT TO READ THIS. IT CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND DEPICTIONS OF SITUATIONS THAT COULD BE UPSETTING TO YOU. 

An Open Letter to Men

Dear Penis Possessors,

I have something to say. I don’t think you’re going to like it, but for my own sanity, it has to be said. And I need some questions answered.

 I have recently found myself the recipient of uncomfortable attention from men.  Within the past several months, four different men have thought nothing of suggesting I have sex with him for no other reason than the pleasure of it. None of those men were my steady boyfriend … and one was my father.  

Last week, as I lay quietly in my bed, reading a book, my father entered my bedroom, slid his hand up my leg and grabbed my genitals. He sometimes gets confused and disoriented, so I asked him, “What are you doing?” He answered by repeating the offense. Shocked, I asked, “Do you know what you are doing?” He then showed me his penis, and then grabbed at my genitals again. I firmly instructed him to return to his bedroom, closed my door and cried. I could not begin to process what had taken place in the supposed safety of my home and began to freak out. I posted a number of cryptic quotes on Facebook and fortunately, my neighbor saw them and called me to talk. Our conversation helped calm me down, then I went to take a shower in an attempt to cleanse myself of the incident. I then vomited while standing in the shower, overcome with disgust and shame.

The day before the unthinkable happened with my father, a man I briefly knew over 10 years ago and had slept with once, spent the day texting me in an attempt to get me to agree to meet him in order to recreate the past. For several weeks, this man hounded me through Facebook messaging and texts for this reason only and I tried to decline in a subtle way, but that seemed to go unnoticed.  I had to state directly that I was not interested in a situation that debased me and lowered my value as a human being to that of a sex toy. It is my hope that he does not contact me again, but I cannot be certain.

A couple of months ago, a new guy friend talked me into coming to his apartment for the sole purpose of performing oral sex. I admit it was a mistake and will only say in my defense that my self-esteem was at a dangerously low level and I desperately needed to feel and be wanted. More requests followed but when I passed on the opportunity, I was verbally abused; I was called names and made to feel less than a person.

Back in November, I was on a date with a man I met in a restaurant. He is the friend of a friend, so I felt comfortable going out to dinner with him. The entire evening, he spoke suggestively, then graphically, about what he wanted from me. I tried to play coy, hoping that a nice first date would evolve into a second date and maybe something more concrete. He took me to a park and while we were there, he forced himself on me. I said “No” several times, but he would not be stopped from getting what he wanted. Afterwards, he dropped me at my car and said he would call me. He did. A week or so of ignoring his calls and texts only made him mad, so I confessed that I didn't want to see him again. He didn't take it well, and again I found myself being verbally abused. I wasn't invested in him much, so I didn't let it bother me. I knew it wasn't about me, it was about him.

This past weekend, I attended my high school reunion with a girl friend. I was having a great time until I caught the attention of a guy who had obviously drunk a lot of alcohol. Thirty years ago, we never exchanged one word, but he was more than happy to share words with me now. Specific, graphic words involving sex acts came tumbling out of his mouth into my ear as I sat trying to watch a slide show of pictures. He cornered me at the food table and began kissing my neck and telling me he wanted us to get together. He suggested we go into the parking lot to get to know each other better. I reminded him that is was a high school reunion….not high school. By mingling with my classmates, I was able to lose him a few times, but at the end of the night he wanted me to have his number so I could call him to hook up.  Oh, I forgot to mention…he’s married.

Now guys, here is what I want to know:

Do I dress or present myself in a way that indicates I am willing to have sex with any guy that comes along? Do I provoke feelings in you that you can only communicate in a sexual manner? Do I seem to acquiesce to your dirty talk when I simply smile and turn away?  Do I hang my tits out for you to ogle at or wear skimpy skirts with no underwear? (That answer is no, by the way) Just what is it about you men that make you think this behavior is okay?  And furthermore...Why me?

I know this about myself: I am not drop dead gorgeous, a hot chick or a knockout. I think I can be reasonably attractive with the right make up and lighting, but I would not consider myself pretty. I am overweight…considerably overweight. I dress well for my size and just try to look nice. I know I am a quick wit and intelligent, but that doesn't seem to come into play in this situation, since all you want to do is shove that ugly piece of meat in one of my bodily orifices!

I completed a counseling treatment program back in May and feel far better about myself than ever before. Is it that new confidence that is drawing you in? Because maybe I need to re calibrate that.

When a woman feels good about herself, wants to look good and seems to be enjoying life, why must you swoop in and piss all over our good thoughts?

Some of the men mentioned in this writing will recognize themselves. Well, men…what do you have to say for yourselves?