Looking Forward to It

A Facebook friend, who travels extensively for work, posted today that she is looking forward to Thanksgiving, a vacation, decorating for Christmas and spending time with her dogs. She admonished her friends to look forward as well, for she was looking forward -  looking for good in the world. Her words inspired me to write today’s entry because I realized that many of us, when looking back, get stuck in the past.  

Memories are beautiful things to keep close to us, and there's nothing wrong with reminiscing about the past. But living in it, being mired in thinking about "what used to be," can be dangerous. Trying to capture what once was is like trying to hear the color blue or singing about architecture...it's a waste of energy that could be applied to something much more worth while. We all know those people who are stuck in the past: the neighborhood mom who was once a popular cheerleader, who now throws "spirit parties" for the kids on the block, or the middle-aged insurance salesman who cannot stop talking about that touchdown run he made in high school that took his team to the state championships. 

I can totally understand the desire to stay in the past: simple, familiar, pleasant - those attributes are incredibly tempting when otherwise faced with taxes, strangers and stress. I used to work at a private school. It's been over 10 years since my position was eliminated there, but I still talk about my time there, like I just left last week. I miss all the friends I made there and I miss all the opportunities that job afforded me, but I must remind myself that they have moved on...and so must I.  Too much thinking about that time, makes me sad and removes me from living in the present moment. Living in the past, for some people, can be very depressing.  If you're having marriage problems, it's easy to recall the excitement of a former flame and remember that time fondly. Say you've gained a little weight since the kids were born; it's much more pleasant to remember when you were smoking hot and dancing in clubs surrounded by guys than to deal with adding exercise to an already packed schedule. But beware. The past is a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there!

Admittedly, for the past 6 months, I didn't believe I had anything to look forward to. I hated my job, knew I deserved better, and felt stymied at every turn I took in an effort to better myself and my life with The Pie. Much of my vision was clouded by what my life used to be, and discovering that it would never be that way again. The reason why? People die, children are born and they grow up. Things change.

Why stagnate in the past, when you can look FORWARD?  By definition, "looking forward to" is the eager anticipation of an event or time. It means that you are excited about something in the future. So why not start today by looking forward?  

Take a quick inventory of your life: family, job, friends, etc. Be grateful you have those things - I bet you didn't have them in the past, right? Make plans to do something you've never done before: volunteer, plan a ski trip, visit the gym. Give yourself something to look forward to! The Pie teases me because I like to be next in just about any situation - in line at the grocery store, at the doctor's office, bank, public restroom. I like to be next. It's the anticipation of it being my turn that gets me riled up. It's my something to look forward to.

From a physical perspective, looking back takes a toll on the body, as well. Turning your head to look over your shoulder strains muscles and places undue pressure on your neck. Maybe that's why life is a pain in the neck!  (sad attempt at a pun) Keep your head straight and eyes focused on what lies ahead of you - it's easier.

I know life is rough. Believe me, I KNOW life is rough. If someone tries to tell you otherwise, walk away - because they are lying. Make the best of what you have today, then you can look forward to what you will have tomorrow.  There's a saying that goes "Yesterday is past and tomorrow is future. Treat today like a gift, that's why it's called the present" (or something to that effect). But here's what I believe: 

 think when you look down,

pray when you look up and

hope when you look ahead.

Thank Full

This month has always been a bit melancholy for me, but since Dad died the week before Thanksgiving two years ago, it’s gotten to be quite emotional. I am happily thankful for all the blessings in my life, but I’m also sad because Dad really enjoyed Thanksgiving – the food, the football, the food, the parade…did I mention the food? He passed on Veteran’s Day, so that makes the month even a little bit more poignant. However, what I want to concentrate on right now is what makes me happy, what brings me joy and what I am most grateful for.

Of course, I am thankful for my daughter. The Pie delights in all things animal, loves singing and brings indefinable joy to my life. I love how she demands to be tickled, how she offers to help in the kitchen, laughs at me when I’m trying to embarrass her and how she is always quick with a kiss, a hug and an “I love you.” Being The Pie’s mom is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and she changed my life. No. She saved my life.

I am grateful that we have a nice home to live in, clothes to wear, food on our table and people to love, who also love us. We are a cute little family of two, but I am blessed to have extended family members who haven’t forgotten us and people who share a history with me so that they are more like family than friends.  I love having someone who can tell a story about something we did years ago that I barely remember. Having people in my life that knew me when I was a fat, awkward teenager, hopelessly in love with a boy who was gay but didn’t know it, keeps me grounded and helps me understand that high school is over, even though I still sometimes feel like that girl.

I love having a best friend that TOTALLY gets me and I am grateful that she has stuck around as long as she has. We met exactly 30 days after my mom died and she rescued me from myself. In the ensuing years, she had plenty of opportunity to walk away from me when I was way too needy, ridiculously emotional or wildly arrogant. But she's my friend and partner in everything...she's my person.

I am so thankful for my job and the people there. It is wonderful to be appreciated for my contributions and to be treated like a valuable member of the team. It is gratifying to produce work that is recognized and necessary. The people I work with are incredibly dedicated and focused and make it an absolute joy to go work.

It's an embarrassment of riches this year because things are finally looking up and I feel better than I have in a long time.  The past year has been trying for all of us in one way or another, so lets just be grateful that we don't have to watch another political ad or hear more spewing of vile words from the candidates. For now!

Trust Issues

My new employment position affords me a glimpse inside an often disturbing situation. The most vulnerable sector of society is being beaten, molested, neglected and my job deals with those cases on a daily basis. It's heart-breaking, yes. But I am also witness to a group of dedicated people who want only for the child to heal and the perpetrator to be accountable. They work tirelessly to ensure the absolute best for the child and operate in concert with agencies such as law enforcement, the district attorney's office and the department of human services toward that goal.

I've learned a lot in a short amount of time. I've learned that emotions have no place in a case review. That what may seem like an insensitive moniker for a victim, is really the worker's best attempt at not getting too emotionally involved. I've learned that when a foster home isn't immediately available for an infant, someone from my office takes that baby home until a space is found. I've learned that most children have no concept of body safety and don't understand that their bodies belong to them. I've learned, sadly, that many children do not have adults in their lives that they
trust. One boy stated that he didn't "trust anybody, especially adults, because that's how you really get hurt!"

Over dinner the other night, I asked The Pie about body safety and trust issues. I asked what she thought she might do if someone tried to touch her bits (slang for her private parts, but she does know the clinical term). "Kick him in the nuts!" Other options were: "Bite him!" and "Throat punch!" It does my heart good to know that she pays attention. I've threatened all of those options in various past situations. When I asked her if she had any adults in her life that she trusted, she got a far away look on her face and after a few seconds began to name them all, starting with me. I admit that I was glad to hear that she trusts me, but even more so to hear the names of all the other adults she feels comfortable sharing a secret or an issue with. It did not escape my notice that every person she named is a woman, since she has very little regular interaction with men.  The only men she sees daily is our next door neighbor, our neighbor across the street and her music teacher at school. I was also heartened to hear that one of the women is her 4th grade teacher this year. Not since kindergarten has she bonded so well and so quickly with a teacher, so I'm hopeful that she will have an enjoyable school year.

The Pie later shared with me that she asked a friend about adults she trusted (she declined to tell me which friend, but I have it narrowed down to two) and her friend's answer was, "No." She shared this with me because she said it made her sad that her friend didn't have an adult to go to when she is hurt or upset or sad. I start to explain that so many of our kids today have been wounded by the adults in their lives, some kids no longer naturally trust adults. Then she interrupts and says, "But I told her she could always trust you, Mom!"

High praise, indeed!

Welfare State

Without being too political, I want to state that I believe it's important to help those less fortunate than ourselves. It's behooves us, as a human race, to provide assistance to those who are struggling. I feel that way because I was one of those people.

From the moment she was born, The Pie has been on state medical insurance. Sure, it's free medical and dental care, but it is limited and practically everything must be approved before treatment. It's the best I could do for her at the time and I was thankful to have it. When I could no longer nurse her, WIC was a life saver. The organization provided formula for her and healthy foods for me.

Seven years ago, I found myself unemployed and the sole provider for a two year-daughter. Support from the sperm donor was nowhere near an option, so in addition to applying for unemployment benefits, I also applied for food stamps - what they now call Nutrition Assistance. I was aware of the negative connotation associated with using government assistance, but I had lost almost everything - including my pride - and I needed help. Friends and family helped out as they could by paying a bill here and there, which was so greatly appreciated, and I visited food pantries in the community, but we needed more.

When I moved back home to care for my ailing father, I  added Medicaid to my list of government assistance. Being unable to work meant not having insurance, but I had medical issues that precluded me from just going without. Again, it was free medical insurance, but there were always strings attached. Society, whether intentional or not, makes us feel like we are "less than" if we take advantage of those "welfare" benefits. It's embarrassing and frustrating. But poverty is like that.

I witnessed someone take advantage of the system for years. With two young children, she received free medical insurance, food stamps, housing money and other assistance - all while not working. One career or technical school after another - without completion - kept her in the cycle. But I noticed that it was too easy. There was no motivation for her to change the situation. She was trapped into making welfare a lifestyle.

Almost two years ago, when Dad passed away, I knew some changes were needed. I created a "step-down" program of sorts to get off of public assistance and back to being a productive member of society. I went back to work full-time, got medical insurance and was able to reduce the amount of nutrition assistance I received. For 18 months, I struggled to make ends meet, sometimes juggling bills from one due date to another, all the time worrying about putting gas in the car or clothes on The Pie. I very nearly lost our home. But it was the kindness and generosity of friends near and far that kept me on track. Their support, their encouragement, their tough love and guidance were what helped me get through.

Now, I'm back on track. In one week, The Pie and I will officially be free of ALL government assistance. My new job provides excellent family insurance for us, pays very well (more than I have ever made) - enough that we no longer qualify as living at the poverty level. No more free school lunch, no more food stamps, no more Medicaid.  To me, this is an accomplishment. It took hard work to get to this point. And I'm proud of the fact that I am able to tell my story. Some people never find the wherewithal to walk away from welfare. Government restrictions for the assistance create impenetrable walls that simply serve to trap people in its clutches, not allowing an opportunity to do better.

I don't have any answers about how to make it better - I leave that to the politicians. What I do know, however, is that one person cannot do it alone. It takes a strong support system, providing motivation and praise, to get across that line. That damned poverty line.

It's Good to Be Back

For months, I toiled in misery at a job I despised for the sole reason of making money to pay bills. I left a position that was somewhat flexible and allowed me a little bit of independence and went directly to a job that kept track of every single minute of my day. EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE.

Circumstances were such that I wanted a change and thought the call center job sounded much less demanding and certainly would allow me to be home more for The Pie.  It did, but it was also draining my intellect at a rapid rate. I knew on the second day of training that I needed to get out and I set in motion a plan to do just that. Thankfully, the plan finally came to fruition.

Almost a month ago, I left that horrible job and started working at a job I love. I now have a position with a local non-profit organization that works with abused children. Instead of making sales in a call center environment, I'm making a difference in my community. It is important to me to work in a field that is respected and that is fulfilling to me as a human being. I don't want to be a faceless number to my employer, I want to be a contributing member of a team working toward a common goal.  I'm thrilled to have found my niche.

The Pie is happy, too. She has said numerous times that she is happy I got "the great job." She could tell from my episodes that I dreaded going to work every day, that I hated sitting on the phones for 8 hours, that I did nothing meaningful. She said just yesterday that she was glad we could laugh together again. That made me get teary because I had to wonder how long it had been since we had actually laughed together.

Here's another thing: my salary increased by just over 1/3 of what I have been making. That translates to a more stable financial situation for the two of us. Immediate concerns are paying what is most behind, but as time goes by, we will be able to save and plan for The Pie's future instead of just wonder how we can get food on the table for a couple of days.

Most importantly, The Pie and I are now completely off any state assistance and are self-sufficient. Since her birth, The Pie has been on state Medicaid and now I can afford to provide insurance for her through my employer. She no longer qualifies for the free lunch program due to my salary and though we have been slowly downsizing the amount of food stamps we received, we are no longer are eligible for that assistance. I am a believer in the "welfare system" and a hand up to help those in trouble bridge the gap. I've witnessed many people turn it into a lifestyle and be proud of it, but not I. I am excited to announce that those days are behind me.

It was worth the wait. What's important to note is that I did what I HAD to do until I could do what I WANTED to do. I worked in a crappy job, I tolerated crappy treatment, degrading comments, strict time allotments and host of other issues and worked in the mean time to get where I wanted to be.

TOTALLY worth it.

Before You Speak

When you’re sad and depressed, people always try to cheer you up or offer sentiments of encouragement. I love those people; and while I do appreciate the thought behind the statements, I get irritated by the fact that social convention prevents me responding with my true thoughts or feelings.

For example, when someone says to me: “Everything happens for a reason.” I want to say, “Yeah, because I made a really stupid decision and set in motion a course of events that sent me spiraling into a miasma of self-loathing and unmitigated fear.” But I usually, say, “That’s so true.” Thanks for basically saying I was supposed to go through this tragic situation. Yes, I understand the message, but please don't say this when my pain is still fresh. It usually doesn't help.

Or when they say, “Hang in there!” I fight the urge to respond with, “You betcha! I’ll tie a noose in that rope, slip my head in there and hang like snot from a toddler’s nose.”  But I typically just nod my head and mutter, “Thanks.”

How about this gem: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I get the sentiment behind the statement. And I agree that some trials do serve to teach us lessons and give us strength. However, it has evolved into a statement that connotes the idea that in order to be strong, we have to ultimately fend off death. ACTUAL death! In some cases, I would rather hold hands and play footsy with the Grim Reaper than deal with the crap sandwich currently on my plate!

Here’s a good one: “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.” Here’s the thing - I don’t believe God is the cause of pain, loss, hate and sadness. I’d like to think that God is not somewhere cackling maniacally and rubbing his hands together in a classic Machiavellian fashion, thinking, “Let’s see if she can handle THIS!” There are people who can’t handle it. I’m one of them. That’s why I’ve shut down. And it’s not encouraging to say this awful event is my prize in life for being a strong person.

A friend of mine (who happens to be a Lutheran minister) recently reached out to me regarding my shutting down. Not once, did he mention that if I “let go and let God”, things would get better. He didn’t say to “place it in the Lord’s hands” or offer clichés or platitudes. What he did help me understand is that sometimes people lose their joy when they feel like they’ve given everything they have. He mentioned combat veterans and caretakers as two primary examples.

The thing is, I have slowly sunk to the point of not caring about anything. The Pie basically takes care of herself now and when I’m not at the job I loathe, I watch television. I recently started watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, and must admit that I considered participating in illegal behavior to get out of my financial abyss. But then, I realized that it’s fiction. So, rest assured that cooking meth is not a viable avenue for my future. If there IS a future, that is.

I am so blinded by the financial ruin and debt that suffocates me that I can’t see past the moment. Try as I might to apply all those inspirational and encouraging phrases in my life, I am unable to feel hope that it will get better. I worry about how I can properly parent my daughter when I just. Don’t. Care. Will there be a time when I can find joy in the little things…in ANY thing? 

Social Chamelons

What’s so bad about being who you really are? Why do we feel such a powerful pull to act, dress, speak like someone we aren’t when we are with other people? I think everyone is guilty of it to some degree, but those who make it a lifestyle simply baffle me. In fact, it creates in me a level of distrust of that person. My best friend, The Pie’s Favorite Aunt, is still the exact same person I met over 22 years ago. Her personality remained the same through massive weight loss, getting married, enduring major surgeries. She has met and mingled with people from all walks of life, with different backgrounds and experiences, but SHE has remained the same. And I think it’s because she really likes herself, as silly and “self-help book” as that might sound.

It’s true, being comfortable with our personalities can be a real challenge because I think that, at our core, we want to be liked or loved. The motivation to be liked quickly overcomes our need to be ourselves, so we transform into what other people expect us to be. If we spend an inordinate amount of time around people who flagrantly use foul language, that trait will slowly seep into our subconscious and eventually become part of our daily self. If we work with people who imbibe alcohol at every possible moment, and always join in those activities, it changes our chemistry, literally, into something that we are not. Conversely, if we spend time with intellectual, cultured and clever people, we can learn myriad ideas, philosophies and concepts that can change our lives. What’s important, I believe, is that we remain true to ourselves – not turn into social chameleons.

Urban Dictionary defines a social chameleon as such:

social chameleon

Someone who changes the way they interact with people depending on who they're with.

 

Do you know someone like this? Are YOU someone like this? I’m not talking about behaving appropriately in varied situations – like a job interview, bachelor party or afternoon tea – but changing the essence of who we are just to accommodate the person or group of people whose company you happen to be in. I think the reason why it bothers me so much is that I see this behavior in people I care about and was shocked when I first witnessed it. It was almost as if I was sitting across from a stranger. It forced me to question who that person REALLY was: the filthy-mouthed drunk begging for attention that sat before me, or the sweet, caring mother I knew her to be from years of friendship.

No one wants to be rejected, I get that. I’ve always said that I can handle rejection, it’s humiliation that kills me. But we should all be our authentic selves; otherwise, how would we know if it’s us they like or like the façade we present?